TEDx Singapore:
Four Trimesters Birth Videos:
Shan & Rozz on Hypnobirthing:
Find out more about HypnoBirthing:
http://www.webmd.com/baby/features/hypnobirthing-calmer-natural-childbirth
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Born in the Caul
36 hours before I was supposed to leave for an impromptu vacation, Sabrina calls me at midnight to inform me that she thinks she is in early labor. Still out under the moonlight looking for her missing dog, I encouraged her to go home and rest.
I woke up in the morning jumping out of bed panicking that I must have missed her call, only to realize that she still hasn’t called, so I dialed her number, labor was still inconsistent she reported. An appointment with Dr. F.M Lai at 1pm showed that she was only 3-4cm dilated, so they decided to go home first to get some lunch and pack up before heading to the hospital. An hour and the half later, Jeff calls me to inform me about the nature of her surges, 5 mins apart but climbing in intensity. We agreed to meet at Mount Alvernia Hospital, with me traveling from the East, and them traveling from Seng Kang, in the pouring rain.
3.45pm They arrived at the hospital and Sabrina is 7-8cm. I arrived 15mins after they did and Sabrina was clearly breathing down but her water bag was still intact. Jeff went down to get admissions done, and the nurses were bustling around prepping the room for delivery. As for me, my eyes were on the CTG machine as it was not picking up a good trace of baby’s heart rate. I gently asked Sabrina if she could move from a sitting position to an all fours position, which could help with the tracing. As I lifted up her blanket, not having smelled any whiff of amniotic fluid which I am so good at detecting, I was caught off guard to see baby’s head already crowning. I then realized that for that split second, only Sabrina and I were alone in the room!! I reached over to bell the nurses to no avail. Sabrina was in her own world, following the flow of her body. With the next breath, baby’s head emerged fully with the waterbag still intact. Instinctively, my body took over with ease, placing one hand under baby’s neck just in time to catch Sabrina’s next breath, baby slipped out into the world into my hands. Baby started crying whilst still veiled by the waterbag. At this point, my body having experienced many births before, simply took over and reacted much faster than my head, where my hands reached from baby’s belly, where there was a hole in the waterbag, lifting the veil as though it was a t-shirt, over his head and place baby onto Sabrina’s arms immediately. Sabrina, superstar that she is, was calm as ever and she readily welcomed her baby into her arms. First birth, less than 2 hours of intense labor. HypnoBirthing rocks!
The whole scene was so bizarre. In a moment where everyone should have been in the room – for some reason, no one was around – and when I attempted to get everyone, from pressing the nurses call button repeatedly.. to calling her husband and the Doctor, I somehow could not reach anyone. It was as though fate has determined that this moment was meant to be.
I reflected upon the birth as a good omen – to have a baby be born onto my healing hands and to be born in the caul, how much more auspicious can it get? It was the blessing I needed before leaving for my 10 day fast at Koh Samui.
~
Making my peace as a Doula
I jumped out of bed by 5.30am, showered, put on my make-up and quickly planned the schedule for the rest of my day. The plan to take the day off looked promising – the plans to accompany my son for his swim lesson, head off for a morning breastfeeding consultation, and take the rest of the day off by having lunch with my son and friend, followed by trial pottery lessons just to do something different together for Kieran and I, Kieran going for his martial arts class, dinner with friends, attending Ajahm brahms talk and finally, a salsa dance social at Union Square. Excited about the day ahead as I was once again, going to attempt to take the day off after my morning appointment.
And the story always starts with my phone ringing, Jo was on the line and says that she is in early labor. However, because the nature of the surges were haphazard, she’ll keep me updated. That’s usually fine except that this is Jo’s 3rd pregnancy and that I’ve only met her yesterday for the first time and for the first prenatal, her birth plan was not done and she hasn’t had the chance to read up about whether she wants a waterbirth, home birth or just an active birth. Most of all, the doctor and the nurses at her hospital of choice has yet to be informed. Her doctor only called me personally a week ago to inform me that she is referring Jo to me.
Experience got the better of me, so I quickly had my breakfast, prepared my vegetable wrap to take along with me as part of my labor food stash, contacted all the relevant people (that being the doctor, the midwife in-charge of waterbirths at the hospital and the delivery quite staff to inform them and arrange for a possible unplanned waterbirth. Then because I had only met them yesterday, I had to print their birth plan and checked with her husband if he had some of the labor tools such as a rice sock ready, in case he needs me to supply anything else. On a personal front, I had to register Kieran at his new swim school, fortunately the class today was within walking distance from my home and where I would get a cab as well, so I quickly made my way there. Just as I was done, her husband called to update me on her progress and I said we should meet at the hospital. Jo refused as she felt that she would not be able to make it through the car ride to the hospital without any support so her husband asked me to go over to their place instead and we go to the hospital from there. I called for a cab and headed over.
One look at Jo on all fours holding on to the gym ball under the running shower, I felt instinctively that we had to go soon and wanted to see the nature of her surges before we made a move. So I quickly asked her husband to bring over the draft birth plan we worked on and asked him to hand write the points that we discussed the before whilst I observe Jo to see how she was coping with the surges, if her vulva was bulging, if her anus was dilated and if there was any more bloody show. With each surge, I coached her on her breathing so she would focus more on her breathing instead of losing it during contractions. I told her husband to grab two towels for the car in case her waters broke and to take her clothes so we can dress her as we had to get ready to transfer to the hospital soonest. I texted the midwife in charge of waterbirths at the delivery quite to inform her that we were going to go in soon.
But we had a problem. Jo would not and could not move. Contractions were 2 mins apart and she started to feel like she needed to push. Usually, when a client commits to a hospital birth, I make it a point and even take pride in the fact that I will do whatever it takes to get them there. However, this time, the situation was different. I had to think quickly. Do we force her to move and get her going to the hospital OR since she can’t move, do they want to go to the hospital? In a situation like this, I would ensure that they make a move and go to the hospital BUT I wasn’t too confident that we would be able to make it in time and the possibility of Jo giving birth in the car was very real. So I explained the situation to her husband and decided that we should go. Jo still could not move and did not want to move.
Thoughts race through my mind. The hospital staff are all anticipating her arrival and her doctor even called me up personally to refer Jo to me, my reputation and relationship with the doctor and the hospital is at stake here. OR do I call the doctor who does homebirths to see if he will take on this last minute case based on complete trust in me and my judgement and if he can come over right now so that Jo, who had 2 traumatic births, can finally achieve the birth of her dreams?
Whilst the possibility of risking the relationship with the Doctor and hospital was at stake, Jo’s needs topped the list in nano second. I left Jo in her husband’s care and went to call Dr. F.M Lai who does homebirths, asking if he could come. He said yes, and I gave him all the details he needed and rushed back to attending to Jo who was in distress. She was pushing hard, and I coached her to keep blowing with each out-breath. Then I had to call the paediatrician to ask if she was willing to take a last minute case and be on standby, and she said yes. Next I had to contact the hospital’s midwife. At this point, I was without hands. Her husband had to connect the ear piece to my ear whilst he found all the numbers and called/ smsed on my behalf.
Standing just next to the running shower, with Jo grabbing on one hand and my other hand massaging her back intensively crouching over, I was getting drenched which I found very amusing. Amusing because even after attending 200 over births and always knowing instinctively how to protect myself and my clothes, this was the first time I was getting a wet shower with my clothes and make-up on after all these years! When we talk about waterbirths to the doctors and the nurses in a new environment, one of the common questions asked is if the doctor/ nurses have to go into the pool to deliver the baby. And I always say never, well, this time around, I am wrong.
Her husband at this point who busy with all the logistics, giving road directions to the doctor, getting hot water ready (what hot water is for? I dunno, but my guess is watching many too many Chinese drama series of how there would always be hot water at a birth), grabbing all the towels, protecting the bed, spreading towels on the floor so nobody slips and falls etc… he was busy as a bumble bee!
At this point, Jo was screaming the HDB block down.. and kept saying I cannot do it, I cannot do it. With a firm but loving voice, I told Jo not to waste her energies by talking, instead coached her with breathing and blowing, until the doctor arrives, with my fingers and toes crossed tightly. I caught a baby before I left for my 12 day vacation recently, which is something I do not do as Doulas do not do anything clinical unless it’s an emergency situation, interestingly, for that hospital birth, no one was around and the nurse bell even stopped functioning but that’s a different story altogether. Point being, this baby was to be delivered by the doctor.
Finally, her husband announced that the Doctor has arrived. A sigh of relieve and a huge smile came from me. Josephine was fully dilated, a point she has never made it through drug-free before with her previous 2 births. Head was low and sitting there, now she was free to push. Within a few pushes, her perineum was stretching and she started saying “its too painful”. Not having birth her previous babies before without assistance, Jo was losing confidence again. “Push through the pain” I said firmly and reassuringly. There is no where else to go, there is no help for assistance available, this is a homebirth, as you have requested. So work with it, push through the pain”. And she did.
Her husband was like a newscaster at this point, cheering Jo on whilst video-taping the entire birth. “A lot of hair!””The head is crowning” The Head is out”… A big smile flashed across Jo’s face when I told her that baby’s head is out, and with the next contraction, she just had to give one push and the body would slide out.
Baby was born and Jo burst into tears, unable to believe all that was happening. We slowly helped Jo to sit down and passed baby immediately into her arms. Even though this was her third pregnancy, this birth experience was all new to her, and she needed this experience to know that she CAN do this and more importantly, to heal from her birth trauma of her previous births. A healing circle – the rebirth of a mother and father all over again.
Reflections from the Doula:
“Even though I only met Jo & her husband less than 24 hours ago from her birth, a bond of trust was formed immediately. This birth experience gave me a split second opportunity to rethink my role as a Doula when I had to make the call between getting Jo to the hospital or arranging for a home birth. The choice was clear. My client’s interests come first, this is after all, their birth experience to keep and not mine. Whilst I risk the relationship with the doctor and the hospital, the satisfaction and healing that it provided for Jo made the decision the right decision.
As for the rest of the day, I did take the rest of the day off and the highlight of the day was at my favourite Australian Monk Ajahn Brahm’s talk and he said: “It’s the intention, and not the result.” At that point, I made my peace with my decision and my calling.
After the birth, I sat on the floor next to Jo’s bed and we were sharing about motherhood where she started asking me about the struggles as a single parent, the perception of how I was well-off because I live in a landed property etc.. I was tearing silently in my heart and feeling misunderstood. If only people knew and understood the struggles I go through as a single mom, how I put myself on the line emotionally, physically and spiritually to man the fort as a mother, as a woman, as a doula, as all that I am, and often wonder in tears and weariness, when will this struggle ever end? I once again quote Ajahn Brahm “It’s not about what job you choose to do, but HOW you choose to do the job.” Every moment, I choose with all my love and good intentions. I choose to Doula with a warm heart because birth matters, one birth at a time” ~ Ginny
~
Number 2 of the Number 3s
Number 2 mom expecting her number 3, Janet had less than ideal birth experiences for her previous births. It was as though the Universe was beckoning her to awaken into consciousness through her coming birth, she found me last minute through word-of-mouth. Throughout the HypnoBirthing classes and preparation for her birth, I was not at all worried about Janet being able to do it although a drug-free birth and breastfeeding successfully would be a new experience for her even though this is her third experience. There was something coming together for her on an energetic level, and a sense of underlying certainty that she was going to have the waterbirth that she envisioned.
The big day came and Janet was feeling impatient. She was used to being induced, making her births very fast and efficient. This waiting around and waiting for labor to naturally pick up was all so new to her. Kept busy with her two younger children, she was unable to progress from early labor to active labor until her children went for their nap. Almost immediately, her neocortex switched off and she went into la-la-land. Jaren called me to ask to meet at the hospital.
When Janet came out of the car, she was still calm and composed so when Dr. Chong Yap-Seng asked me how much time he has before he needs to be there, I said no worries, he has time, and as usual, I’ll keep him updated. By the time we walked from the main entrance of National University Hospital to the delivery suite, I texted Dr. Chong to start making his way to the hospital, labor was accelerating very quickly. The usual fanfare of prepping the room, admissions etc.. were all taking place as Jaren and I quickly set up the birthing room, watertub and the other comfort measures that we needed. Janet’s waters released when she was sitting on the toilet seat, and we quickly moved her into the tub after. I called Dr. Chong to ask him to come NOW. As Jaren was filming the process, I held on to Janet, coaching her to focus on her breath and to breathe calmly and slowly, allowing her perineum to stretch. The medical officer then signaled to me that baby’s head was crowning and I asked Jaren if he still wanted to deliver his own baby and he said yes. In the next few breaths, baby swam out into Daddy’s arms, enveloped immediately into a world of love and spirituality as Deva Premal’s music filled the room, tears filling our eyes and love warming our hearts.
~
Number 3 of the Number 3s
She was getting impatient and BIG, yet because she was the number 3 of the number 3s, I knew she was definitely the next and was willing to wait and let baby decide and I gave her the suggestion of doing belly lifting. The night after belly lifting, she called me just when I reached home, after clocking another 10 hour work day and we decided to meet at the hospital. As discussed beforehand, and having had a drug free birth with a Doula before, she did not want to labor in the tub.
She was in smiles when she arrived, looking radiant and beautiful as she always has and very much aware of whatever that was happening. Still in early labor at 3cm, I slowly coaxed her to get into la-la-land (labor land) by spraying aromatherapy, dimming the lights and strictly no music as per her instructions. She started getting curious about using the tub, so I filled it up, leaving it as an open option in case she changed her mind. Labor started picking up and she decided to give it a go, a little apprehensive at first as the tub was too big for her during her last birth. We got her comfortable and the water did wonders as it relaxed her even more and the intensity of her labor picked up. We helped her out of the tub and she was breathing down in no time. I called Dr. F.M Lai to ask him to come over and as fast and reliable he always is, he was with us shortly. As Julie’s head and arms emerged, one could tell that this was a big baby and 4kg later, Julie was placed in Mommy’s arms.
Quick, happy and “easy” 
, her husband said that this birth was the calmest of all 3 births. Yay! Mission accomplished.
~
Last but not least…..
Sakinah contacted me early in her pregnancy, having heard about me from her friends who have had cesareans before. It took them 5 years to have this baby and this moment was long awaited for. It is such an honor to watch her blossom through this journey, making the changes necessary from changing doctors and hospitals just so that she can have a water birth – the first ever in her Malay community of friends. Even though she took Hypnobirthing, pain associated with childbirth has been deeply ingrained in her mind. From early labor on, she kept saying how painful it was and would burst into tears from time to time. Surges were intensifying at home, and as they felt comfortable, they stayed home as long as they could. When the surges started coming every 4 mins or so, I gave parents the option of moving on to the hospital to settle in or staying home a bit longer before going. They decided to go.
4cm dilated. We settled in the hospital and when she was ready, we moved to the tub. Sakinah was made up with a heart of gold and courage of steel as she labored with each breathe. Coaching her constantly, Shaff & I were working hand in hand, reminding her to breathe a breath for baby; a breath for her; a breath for Shaff and a breath for Allah, and with every exhalation, she would shout out “ALLAH!!!” In between moments, tears would flow, yet she would find the love and courage somewhere within and carried on, one breath at a time, focusing on one surge each time. We worked closely with Deborah, the midwife in-charge of waterbirths, who was cheering us on all the way.
Dr. Mary Rauff made in just in time when Shakir was crowning and with 2 big breaths, Shakir slipped out into this world, born in the water and placed on Sakinah’s arms as both parents burst into tears of delight and sheer joy, and as Shaff posted on his facebook status “My whole life I have been waiting for you.” We all waited so long for you dear baby as tears flow into my eyes as I recall the beautiful moment when you were in Daddy’s arms with him singing prayers for your blessing. You were so attuned and silent, taking in all of God’s blessings and the aura of love.
~
Thank you all for having me there as part of your journey, as I dedicate my life to serve God, in every single one of you. Love, Doula Ginny
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Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
The chant went on. I stood there at the end of the fire lane, eyes locked with the participant who is about to attempt the fire walk, beckoning her with one arm to walk towards me, and my other arm out-stretched as a barrier to break her state after her walk as her feet gets hosed down. Not having done the fire walk before nor crewed for Anthony Robbins “Unleash the Power Within” seminar, the only reference point I had was the mental birth visualizations of one of the trainers demonstrating the role I was taking on during the rehearsals we had the day before – that is, to stop the fire walkers at the end of the 3m burning coals and break their mental state. We only had half a day to train for this, as we role-played the scenes the day before, conditioning it into our nervous system mentally, emotionally and physically. But nothing truly prepares you for the real thing. As nervous as I was, completely S-T-R-E-T-C-H-E-D out of my comfort zone, I tuned out the doubtful voices in my head and tuned into the mental state of certainty. One after another, they came towards me.
By the time it was my turn to walk the blazing hot coals (648-1093 degree celsius), there was hardly any room for doubt and uncertainty, I just had to do it, there was no other way. I clapped my hands in rhythm to my chant “YES! YES! YES! YES!” and stormed across the burning coals, unscathed with NO blisters. The power of mental visualisation!
The same way I rehearsed for the fire walk is the same way to rehearse for the birth that you want. Play it over and over and over again in your mind until you truly believe that it is gonna be this way or no way. Feel it, breathe it, hear it, sense it. When you get to that state, your EASY, SHORT, RELAXED & COMFORTABLE birth is truly yours to own. I have seen in so many times in the mothers I am privileged to work with. It is possible!
And in case you are wondering, when it is my turn to have another baby, I am definitely having a home water-birth and I already have a collection of visual images from my experiences supporting women at their births, of how I want my glorious, orgasmic birth to be.
Own Your Birth Experience.
Written by Ginny Phang.
________________________________________
What Clients Say:
I usually get swamped with emails after a newsletter has been sent out, here are some of what client’s do say…
Hi Ginny,
You were my doula at Thomson Medical Center on Sept 13 when my son was born. We had a successful VBAC although there was some vacuum assistance at the end. The baby was posterior and it was a long hard labour but I did have a vaginal birth in the end. That VBAC was really important to me and was such an important factor to the birth of my third son, just 4 weeks ago. I want to thank you for all the birth education and helping me achieve a successful vaginal birth then because it did so much to help me in my recent birth.
I’m living in California now and I had difficulty finding an OB who is really supportive of me having a vaginal birth because of my C-section history. I managed to find a midwife who was confident to help me birth at home. We had a beautiful homebirth and everything went quickly and smoothly. It was the best birth experience I had of my three sons. The conditions were perfect this time and the baby was in the right position, the contractions were bearable and dilation was quick at the end. I attribute much of the success of this birth to what I had learnt from the last birth with you. I had such vivid memories of my last birth experience in Singapore and that really gave me confidence this time round.
I want you to know that what you had done as a doula went further than just the birth you supported 5 years ago; it did so much in helping me this time in my homebirth here in California. Thank you.
Best wishes,
Dinah
~
Hi Ginny
Once again I find myself relating to what you have written: “….Hypnobirthing mothers who report that they did not experience pain during the labor, only intense discomfort..”
Just this afternoon I was telling my husband “…I think my menstrual cramps feel even worse than my labor pains!!!” and I found myself missing being pregnant!!!! And recently I keep meeting people who are in their early pregnancy… it’s this universe thingy….. I want to be pregnant again!!! ;p
Aileen
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16. The “f” word
Almost as vulgar as the “f” word, is the word “father”. If there are TWO important concepts you should know as a single mom, the first would be that EVERY child has a father.You know that, but your child does not understand that esp when he has not met his father or his father had not played an active role in his life. Put yourself in your child’s shoes and think of it as a fairytale, its there but its unreal and beyond grasp.
For many years now, Kieran will go around saying that “he doesn’t have a father” and trust me, as a mom, there is nothing more painful than that especially when you understand the damage it does to him on an emotional level and one of the underlying causes of the power struggles that we have. Whilst I truly don’t think he deserves being acknowledged as the father, nothing can change the fact that he is his biological father. Only during the Family Constellations weekend that I attended last October, did I realise that for Kieran to acknowledge that he has a father, i would have to do so first. So swallowing a gallon full of pride and resistance, I acknowledged that he has a father by digging out a really old picture I had of his father and I and displayed it at home, in full view of everyone who comes by.
17. If you have nothing good to say, don’t say anything
The other important concept that I swear by till today it to NEVER, i repeat, NEVER speak ill of your child’s biological father, no matter how much he has hurt you. That’s between you and him, not your child, so don’t pull your child into it. When your child is older, your child will be the judge and should be given every opportunity to meet your ex if he wants to. This is something I have managed to keep to for the past 8 years. And if i have to speak of his dad, i will only share good memories I had with him. And if i have nothing good to say, then don’t say anything.
18. the other Men
Now that the man is out of the picture… or rather, literally, on a picture on my wall, what about men and role models that the ‘single parenting or raising boys’ books usually talk about? Well, the theory goes that if a child in a single parented family has positive role models around him, that should suffice. BUT what the books fail to mention is how difficult it actually is to find consistent positive male role models who would genuinely care about your son’s (not theirs) welfare. Eight years on, I have not found one, and unless you have a bloody good suggestion that will work, then share it with me coz’ I am tired of empty promises and non-constructive suggestions.
19. Buy One Get One FREE
Yes it comes in a package, take it or leave it. And hey, it certainly takes more than BALLS to date a 2-1 package. especially someone like me, haha! And whilst I don’t have any suggestions as to how to find positive male role models for my son, I also have none when it comes to dating. Some say you should not introduce the man until your relationship with him is stable, some say to introduce him right from the start so you know whether the relationship will work or not. I have only done the latter and all I can say is that it has been insightful. Whilst I have not settled down with “the one” yet as there is none at the moment, every relationship has brought me closer to what it can be by showing me what it can be like, and what I would like to avoid, ultimately bringing you one step closer to yourself.
20. It takes a village to raise a child
Whilst it may sound depressing, it really isn’t that bad altogether. Men aside, the next best thing you can do for yourself apart from establishing a very strong support network to support YOU, is to establish a Parent-led team for your child. Quoting Margaret Mead“it takes a village to raise a child”.
I got the idea of a Parent-led team from a book I am currently reading – The Minds of Boys by Michael Gurian (http://www.gurianinstitute.com), just in time when I am looking to hire someone to come in 3-4 times during weekday evenings to sit with my son and coach him on his homework since my lifestyle is so unpredictable, which in turn is really unfair to my son.
The idea of a Parent-led team is to get a group of people to be involved in parenting your child. Now, to get someone to commit to coming in once a week is already hard enough, ask Kieran’s Godpa and he can attest to that… however, with Skype and the wonders of the internet, logistics and spacial issues should not be an issue.
Without realising it, I already do have some members on Kieran’s Parent-led team. Kieran’s Grand-aunt is in charge of his religious education, ensuring that he turns up for catechism, attends mass with him, and reads him the Bible. My wonderful housemate, who unfortunately is moving back at the end of this month, has been loaning, reading and coaching him on homework whenever I am not around.She just said to include her in this team so they can chat via Skype or meet up once a month or something… Being a literature teacher from New Zealand and teaching at Julia Gabriel Singapore, its great exposure for Kieran.
So if you are reading this, and may be interested, we have OPEN positions for exposure to “nuclear families” so Kieran can experience what it is like to immerse with a family with both a father and a mother; male role models where when time permits, you can bring him out for sports or a man-to-boy testosterone time; music exposure (apparently helps to improve Maths by leaps and bounds as it uses the same side of the brain); and/ or just outings with kids since I work weekends; or anything else you can think of ie. using computer for creative design etc..
21. Don’t be pai-seh
If there is one other thing that comes useful, be thick-skinned and always ask for help when you need it. I did an interesting experiment last year when I had to rope in a team of helping hands to help me out last year when I was stranded without a live-in domestic helper for 6 weeks after breaking up with my boyfriend. This also had to happen at a time when a few of my family members were hospitalised so the help I got from them was very limited.
I emailed a group of friends living nearby, both locals and foreigners and to my surprise, it was the foreigners who all responded almost immediately to lend a helping hand, from single friends who had less family obligations and babysat whenever i had to work weekday nights or stayed over when I had to attend births, some even being on “stand-by” when I am on stand-by for my clients, to a close friend living in a huge house and 4 kids offering to ask her helper to come by and babysit or even coming over herself with her toddler when the other kids are in bed. Wow wow wow. I heard from a local family two weeks later…
A few learnings after this incident:
(a) My friends are truly my extended family, which is also the reason why I am very selective, protective and loving towards them. When the going gets tough, you truly see who your allies are.
(b) I think its very “asian” to not dry your dirty linens in public, hence not coming out in the open about being unwed (its unbelievable how many are incognito); with a mindset that when you need help or have problems, it should be kept within the family. Sweetheart, its time to break conformity! Be thick-skinned, be bold… ask for help!!!
22. Stability amidst the chaos
By now, you might have noticed the influx of people streaming in and out of your lives.. because finding a few committed people is really hard but making do with bits and pieces everywhere is a lot more realistic. Adds variety as well! However, kids need some form of stability and routine, so with my almost totally unpredictable hours and lifestyle,its really unfair for Kieran.And that is why, a solid domestic helper and support from friends and family are crucial for me, so that whether I am there or not, his life goes on.
So who is the oak tree? YOU!!! And your child needs to know that, that you are available and there for him no matter where he is. And if you can’t be (i have limited access to my phone when I am at births or with clients), there had better be a reliable back up person he can call on.
23. The other “f” word
Trust me, it can get very stressful just coordinating the number of people around a child’s life. My friends can attest to how stressful i get when my domestic helpers in the past cannot get their act together as it adds to the list of things i need to manage and worry about. And now, you’ll also understand why my tolerance level is very low as some may say, because I have high expectations. I do expect the person to do their job WELL, and if they don’t, they are out of the picture or at most in my case, if they don’t and it becomes a necessity, they stay on the picture literally.
So the other “f” word, fortunately, is to remember to have FUN, F U N, FUN!!! Its easy to get carried away by logistics of getting things done and accomplished. Participate in being a human-BEING, and not a human-DOING. Just the other day, I was having lunch with my housemate and she was sharing with me about her night with Kieran when I was away at a birth. It sounded as though she was talking about someone else’s son as he shared with wonderful adventures at school with her – golly, i felt like a brick just fell onto my head. It made me miss him so much yet he is always there, its ME who is not present and who has lost sight of what is important in life. Kids – they are your teachers, truly!
24. Integration
Now that I have given you nuggets of information here and there, how does it all fall in place? How does one be a mother, a daughter, her own woman, a partner, a friend, a professional???? Firstly it takes time to get everything together; Secondly, it takes to get use to it and balance what you want and don’t want; Thirdly, be fluid and make allowances for changes as nothing is truly constant; Fourthly, master the art of bouncing back whenever you fall off the bandwagon. There is NO other way truly but bounce back on track, another valuable life skill. Its all easier said than done I can assure you, having lived through it and still living it. Life’s a journey, you need the destination to provide you with the direction, but it’s the journey where you truly grow, upwards, downwards, sideways, contort.. I trust that you’ll figure it out even if it means going in circles sometimes.
25.Last but not least…
It is important yet challenging to live in the present, however it is also important to remember to “Hold on to your dreams…” Who are you? What are your dreams as a person? What is the purpose of your life?
Wanna know my dreams? I’ll tell you when I get there…
This is for Kieran, my family and my friends – without which, I DO NOT want to even imagine what life would be like.. I love you all, very very much!
Posted in Single Parenting | 3 Comments »
This article is written based on a book review that I wanted to write on “The Emotional Incest Syndrome – what to do when a parent’s love rules your life” written by Dr. Patricia Love.
However, I am unsure as to where to even begin. It’s like watching the movie “Millionaire Slumdogs”, about a boy who grew up in the slums who had all the answers to win the game show “Who wants to be a millionaire?”. When investigated by the police who suspected that he was cheating, it was found that all his answers are based on his experiences in the slums. So are mine.
Where do I start? How does a story teller weave different parts of a story together? I don’t know but I’ll give it a go…
April 2007
It was in April 2007 when I first understood what enmeshment meant even before knowing that the word existed. It was one of those words I never used, never even knew of its existence yet when I first heard of the term, I understood it completely – Simply because I lived it.
I was in a crowd of 2,000 people and after several failed attempts, I decided to stand on my seat and waved frantically towards the stage, doing my best to get his attention. Finally, he saw me and pointed me out to the cameras as the mic-runners dashed towards me. Today was the last day. With the mic in hand, I said to the man and the crowd. “I set him free – I set my son free as the man in my life where I kept him prisoner for so long” as I burst into tears of relieve. It was only three days before that, when we were ending a partner exercise when it hit me, and it hit me hard. Anthony Robbins came down from the stage and walked towards me, a gigantic man towering me as he gave me a heartfelt hug.
Since the time I decided to keep the pregnancy and risk everything I had as a 23 year old, which included being kicked out of my own home; not having a job; unfinished education; zero savings; and no place to live – everything I did, I did it for him. The same love that pulled me through the hardest and lowest point of my life, awaking every day amazed that once again, I managed to make it through another sun rise. The same love that kept me going when a day’s meal for the both of us would be a $2.50 slice of ikan kurau that I would divide into half, one half piece for his lunch & one half piece for his dinner, mixed together with a vegetarian porridge that we would share, with him having all the fish. The same love that drove me to find my life’s calling whilst in search for a better life for the both of us. He became my guiding light, my angel, my compass. The same love betrayed him and held him captive, losing his childhood to meet his mother’s needs by stepping up to be her man.
Overlooking the ocean from the apartment I was residing in at the Gold Coast, my sobbing cries blended into the night skyline and the sounds of the crashing waves. That night, the wall of defense that have lined my heart collapsed, eroded by the floods I was causing as I cried and grieved for the partner I did not have; for having to stand up strong and tall no matter how much I was crumbling inside; for having to go on running even when the tank was empty, every time and all the time; for making the choice to be a single mother but most of all, I cried for my son. How could I, loving him so much, also inflict pain on him? What does it mean if he is no longer the man of my life? What would be my purpose in life had it not been for him? I cried until I came to a realization that putting our relationship back in place as mother and child does not mean that I love him any less. I can still love him the same, even more, it just means that I made the space available for my life partner to come in. My love for my son doesn’t have to change.
Whilst I did not know how that realization and awareness would translate itself, it certainly got the ball rolling. That summer, I lost 8-10kg in about 3 months. I was at the peak of my career. I left my 4.5 year relationship and I started dating. I weaned my son off breastfeeding after 6.5 years. I was on the roll and this time, I went to the other end of the spectrum, pushing my son away as I lived the single life that I missed out in my twenties, surpassing it for motherhood. I was on a high when I went for my first sky-dive in Las Vegas. Never did I realize that like the sky dive, I plummeted down to ground zero and this time, I crashed hard and I took my son with me and gained 15kg. Just great!
July 2008
Kieran found me sobbing uncontrollably in my bedroom when he came home from school and I broke the news to him, that my partner and I have separated. That night, he hugged me to sleep, reassuring me that it is all going to be okie.
This is the same man that Kieran and I would both fight over to get his attention – I for a partner and companion, Kieran for a father figure. We would playfully fight to see who would end up snuggling up with him at night, with Kieran often winning to sleep in-between the both of us, before we would move him down to his mattress when he falls asleep. This was a man who accepted us for who we were and the “package” that we came in. We were bowled over – finally there was placement in the family system.
So when he left the picture, we were back to square one and displaced. The place next to me remains empty and Kieran immediately stepped up and took position, in a position that was not meant for him yet a position that he was familiar with. To add to the disposition, this was happening at a time when I my live-in domestic helper was on leave; and my ex-partner was supposed to move in with me to help out with childcare should I need to work in the evenings and attend births at night. Suddenly I was left stranded. Fortunately I have a very strong and supportive network of friends and family who came pouring in with help. That also meant that, like a funeral, I had drones of people in my house almost every night to keep me company whilst I was in “mourning”. Whilst this was certainly helpful, it also meant that Kieran was surrounded by adults all the time, and in his new position next to me, this was just the “perfect” environment to breed more bacteria, so he needed to fight for his place as an “adult- child” amongst the adults.
It did not take long before the power struggles between the both of us started and we hit the brick wall very quickly after. My male friends in particular, who were with me several times in the week night to keep me company or to babysit, were very concerned and advised that I brought him to see a professional. I refused, what do these single men know about kids anyway, as I confided in my girlfriends.. However, not knowing what else to do, I heeded their advice and found a play therapist.
After two sessions with the play therapist, she reported that my son has improved tremendously and that there was no need to come back to see her. However, what remains a problem is “enmeshment” as she gave me some “recommendations” on what I can do about it. Stop co-sleeping, stop doing adult activities with him and the likes. I was angry, I was confused and I wanted to deny it all yet I wanted things to be better. Did my innate wisdom and cultural upbringing get ahead of me? Who has the right answers?
I learned later, in my therapy work, that a lot of disciplinary issues are an indirect consequence of what is happening to the parents and the relationship that they have with each other, and not so much about the child at all.
April 2009
My alarm bell rings whenever I sense incongruence and this was one of those moments. I have been seeing this client for many months now and something just doesn’t click. After many false alarms as to when labor was actually and finally going to start, I asked her to come down for a session to “clear the air”. Something was clearly going on – after all, it is mind over matter.
I waited to see what would unfold during the session and when the time was right, I posed the question – “what’s your relationship with your partner like? Would you say that you have a strong relationship?”
”I have to remind my husband to ask me how I am doing when I wake up or how my day was –all he seemed concerned about is our child.”
”What doesn’t seem right to me when I am around you and your family as that you are both very child-centered. Whilst this is actually fine and even healthy, what is incongruent is that I get the sense that your own needs are not being met, and each of you put all your energies into meeting the needs of your child and because your own adult needs are not met, your relationship needs are not met, you both divert this energy of unmet needs to getting your own needs met through your child, such as hugging and cuddling that you are not getting from your partner.” I shared my observation.
As her story unfolded, the jigsaw pieces were finally beginning to find its place as I explained to her about enmeshment, displacement and the importance of family systems and how it plays out when people in a group setting is being displaced. She is not the first. In fact, she is one of the many clients that I meet, together with my personal quest to heal and grow, that led me to studying and offering therapy and relationship counseling in my line of work as a Doula.
“I have read The Continuum Concept, my husband and I are big advocates of co-sleeping and pro-longed breastfeeding , isn’t this then unhealthy according to enmeshment?” my client asked me.
”They are all fine IF your marriage is strong and your needs are not met by your child, I replied as we went deeper into the conversation when she finally understood it and could see that this is actually happening in her own family. 10 minutes after leaving my house, her waters released and she had her baby that night itself, but that, is another story altogether meant for another time.
I understand enmeshment. I have lived through it and am in the continual process of working through it after all these years. I know what she is talking about when she shares about how breastfeeding and co-sleeping can be so intimate in a non-sexual way, my son and I have gone through that before. Whilst it is essential that we as parents meet the needs of our child at his stage of development, wherever he is at that point in time, we also have to ensure that our own needs are met, through a different outlet such as family, friends and extra curriculum activities.
Enmeshment imprisons; Love frees – which will you choose?
Posted in Book Reviews, Single Parenting | 3 Comments »
1. What “category” of a single mom are you?
Does it matter? YES, absolutely.. just to add on to the list of “labels” Singapore already has for many things. More importantly because it affects your taxes, the benefits you get from the government, your child’s rights and the list goes on. When someone says that she is a single mom, she could be “widowed”, “divorced”, “unwed” or “a woman who adopts by choice”.
You will also get quite alot of women, some married, some living with their partners making comments such as “I feel like a single mom because my partner/ husband isn’t around a lot/ travels a lot etc.. is it the same? I don’t know. But i do wonder if it is harder to parent knowing that you are on your own OR expecting that other half to have a part to play and he/she isn’t playing that part hence unmet expectations – i dun have the answer to that one.
If you are unwed like me, you are not entitled to government benefits for married couples with children. If you are under 35 like me, you are not entitled to buy a HDB flat until you reach 35 years of age and can be entitled to purchase a HDB flat under the “singles” scheme. If you are unwed like me, then your child is considered “illegitimate” which means that to make your child “legitimate”, you need to spend at least $3000 to adopt your own kid (huh??? excuse me.. he came out of my vagina leh). This also means that if you die without a will, all your assets would be given to your parents and not your child because the government considers your child as “illegitimate”. Er btw, you still need to pay taxes and your child, if a son, has to serve National Service.. Is Lee Kuan Yew on facebook reading this?
2. Visitation rights
Whether the biological father pays child maintenance or not; whether his name is in the birth certificate as the father or not; as long as he can prove that he is the biological father (via court ordered DNA), he is entitled to some form of visitation rights to your child. So might as well claim child maintenance and don’t need to be “gung-ho” about going solo and doing this on your own. After all, since the government is not making it any easier (single moms dun get welfare/ handouts in Singapore), you certainly need ALL the help you can get…
3. Child Maintenance
Unless of course getting a few hundred dollars is a real pain in the ass and simply not worth the emotional roller coaster or worse still, reliant dependency. For the record, I don’t get child maintenance. The last sum of money I got from my ex was to pay for the abortion that i did not go for, so i used it for maternity care instead. For those of you who are mothers, you know how far $2000 can get you in maternity care. The year I decided to take the leap of faith, quit my fulltime job and run Four Trimesters full time, i was barely afloat, if not sinking, for the first 1-1.5 years and out of folly and desperation, i decided that its time my son’s biological father “paid his dues”. So i called him and explained the situation, and he asked me to email him and we can work something out. Hopeful i was – NOT! My emails starting bouncing coz he banned me from his email folder. Now this man owns more than 2 cars, lives in the prime district area. What can I say???? I speculated and fore-casted then, as i did when he proposed marriage only upon finding out that i canceled the scheduled abortion, that this was not a road worth walking, so I found another path.
4. Choose your battles wisely
A lifelong skill – choose your battles wisely. I kick-arsed three times before i was given a “special concession” to purchase a 3 room HDB flat at market rate. When i wanted to upgrade and re-appealed to buy a 4 or 5 room HDB flat, HDB turned me down. I tried a couple of times to appeal only to discover that I have “progressed” to a point in my life where I am really tired of fighting. Don’t wanna sell me a 4 or 5 room HDB flat at market rate?? Fine, i’ll fuck off and look for alternatives. Choose your battles wisely, just as you decide if child maintenance is worth the emotional turmoil esp if you are in a situation where you got to “chase” the other for monthly payments.
5. Support… S U P P O R T… support
You need ALL the support you can get. ALL, i repeat. I agree with Malcolm Gladwell who debunks the myth of a “self-made man” in his book: “Outliers – the story of success”. Had it not been for the dedication of my family in the foundation years, even though only part of them supported me through and through, and in my later years, the strong network of close and trusted friends who believe in me, i truly would not have made it this far. And it will probably be worth your while to strategize the kind of support you need, so as to maximize resources.
I cannot do without my family and my friends, however, i have also learned to be very selective when it comes to family and friends. I choose to be around people who are supportive of me as a person and a single mom esp in the early days, when hormones are all tender and all over the place and still a “newbie”, you need a free flow of love, support… support, love… love, support…. support, love….
6. Be your own woman
After which as you “season” with experience (not so much age), you evolve into a tough cookie. By now, you would have probably learned that you are on your own baby – with another to raise and feed. No one is going to stand up for you and your child, not even the people you pay taxes to and sometimes, very very sadly, your own family which violates your basic right to belong. You are on your own, so might as well get use to it and be bold.
So what if you pay $1,000 for your child’s kindy education that even married couples(read dual income) would consider extravagant; so what if you pay for a $17 2-1 soap that would motivate your child to bath; so what if you do a thousand one other things that are not the “norm”. its no longer about what others think.. you are your own woman, be bold, and do what you have to do because at the end of the day, it is always easy for others to “speak behind your back” but NO ONE, is walking your path in YOUR shoes. So you earn the right to be your own woman. Besides you are already an “outcast” from society as an unwed mom.
7. Confidence
Unless of course, you’ve got confidence. You are only an outcast if you deem yourself an outcast. There is nothing wrong being a single unwed mom. Nothing. The government may punish you for it; your family and friends might choose to abandon you; the last thing you want to do is to punish yourself and worse still, your child for it. So walk your talk woman!
“These boots are made for walking..
thats just what they’ll do
these boots are made for walking…
and they’ll walk all over you!”
8.Always remember that being a single mom is a choice
You could have gone for an abortion; you could have given your child away for adoption; you could have left your child outside a hospital (like a drama series), and you didn’t. Even though the situation wasn’t ideal.. YOU CHOSE TO BE A SINGLE MOM, remember that.
9. When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.
There are only 2 options: you either sink or you float. However, if you choose the latter, you take not one but two down with you – whilst science would prove that it would be much harder to float and a lot easier to sink – Science does not measure intangibles such as “love, faith, hope and determination” that keeps us afloat when the going gets tough.
10. Fuck it!
Then, there will be days when you are at the end of your tether with some of the following attitudes “Fuck it!”; “What the fuck!”; “fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck everything”… Know that its ok and that you are ok… life goes on… go back to reading point 8 and 9
11. And please, don’t vent it on your child
This does not sound nice but its the truth, and i know, i am not the only one who does it. I plead guilty. The days when i could pull my hair out, the days when i cried buckets but not enough to flood the world so my problems can be swept away.. those days…. start anew. every day every moment every breath – is a new moment to start afresh. Bygones are bygones. Live in the present.
12. Remember that YOU have your own life to live
I know, its hard, esp when you need to work a full time job to pay the bills, send and pick up your child from childcare and not having extra help after work hours such as baby-sitting, how to have a life??? I started with a life “online” thru parenting forums and support groups for the first few years. It was only when Kieran was about 6.5 years old that i started going out and establishing a life of my own. Bit by bit, step by step, some things can wait, but remember, you have your own life to lead.
13. It can get lonely
No matter how strong and supportive your support system is, there will be days when you wish you had that “someone” that you could lean on and share both your joys and your sorrows. You can indulge by romanticizing or even grieving the absence of one, but girl, get moving after you are done coz you are on your own. Disclaimer: if you believe in God, then you’ll also know that you are not walking alone even when it feels that way. And if you don’t, know that there are more than 500 single unwed moms out there lurking somewhere incognito in Singapore, who knows, they could even be one of your neighbours!
14. What about sex baby?
Er, start dating??? Learn to masturbate and give yourself pleasure??? And please carry condoms… you know better now than to rely on the “other”. And if you say condoms don’t work, then double up with other forms of contraceptives.
15. The Contingency Plan
I have not come so far in my single parenting journey to know what to do and if i need a contingency plan should I find a partner I want to spend my life with. Whilst I still want to have 2 more kids (and home births they will be, to add to the record), I don’t know if i will ever be ready to give up my financial independence to rely on the other to provide for my family and esp. his non-biological child. it does not help that i am brought up in a family where biological children have more rights than non-biological children, and the latter being treated as second class citizens. If you have insights to this, i would certainly be interested to hear your point of view.
~
Dedicated to ALL mothers, esp. the single ones…I have to be honest and admit that i am in a “mood” as i write this. I also have to add that had I known all this when I made the decision keep my pregnancy instead of turning up for my scheduled abortion, it wouldn’t have made a difference to my decision. However, a survival check list would have been nice…
Posted in Single Parenting | 1 Comment »
This birth story is contributed by Dr. Amy Chin-Atkins, who founded Four Trimesters in December 2002 when she was still living in Singapore.
Preamble
That every pregnancy and birth is different is very clear to me, having had 3 of my own and seen many more. My first was a hospital birth, lots of interventions and drugs, everything short of a caesarian, typically traumatic. My second was with a midwife and doula, fantastically empowering and exhilarating. My third was a planned unassisted birth at home, deeply satisfying. As Debra Pascali-Bonaro, director/producer of the film “Orgasmic Birth” said to me: “It’s been quite a journey for you”.
This pregnancy was by far the easiest of the three, both physically and emotionally. I only gained 14 kg, instead of 20 kgs for my 2 previous pregnancies. Although my tummy felt bigger and more stretched this
time, the rest of my body was more normal.
I had forgotten how much I do enjoy being pregnant. The feeling of the baby moving inside is something that never ceases to amaze me, even though at times it feels like the baby is trying to escape Alien-style or tunnel through the birth canal.
This time around, we decided on no unnecessary testing for this pregnancy, including no ultrasounds or internal pelvic exams unless medically indicated. So, we weren’t sure of the sex, although I would have preferred knowing. But weighed against the risks against obtaining useless, or even distressing, knowledge, it was an easy decision to make.
Getting into an argument with my GP and the less than enviable state of the Danish health care system turned out to be a blessing in disguise, we decided to do our own prenantal care this pregnancy which was easy and wonderful. I had a much better record of my health, I could do my own check whenever I wanted (which I did each Thursday to celebrate another week of gestation, although urine checks I did less frequently) and I felt much more aware of how this pregnancy was progressing. It was also great fun listening to the baby’s heartbeat whenever we felt like it, especially for Liam and Kira. Thank you to Uncle Robert for the gift of a fetoscope and blood pressure monitor.
Pre-Labour
28 November 2007
I spent the entire pregnancy being deliberately vague about the due date (“it’s an arbitrary date, only 5% of babies are born on the EDD and I don’t want to be pinned down to a specific date”). And until about 2 hours before the birth, I was sure baby wouldn’t be born until December anyhow. So I was somewhat surprised when I had a show around 2300 the eve of my actual EDD.
29 November 2007, EDD
Baby had already engaged at 35 weeks, which is early for a multip, and I was carrying very low. However, this was the first time I started a labour with a show. Having had strong Braxton Hicks contractions since June, I continued to ignore them and went to bed around the usual time (after midnight). By 0200 (and already several visits to the toilet) the contractions had changed from BH to something slightly more, so I checked the position: ROA. Groan. (Having gone cephalic at 5 months and then spent most of the pregnancy in the preferred LOA position, baby had suddenly decided to go ROA with 2.5 weeks to go. After a panicked complaint to Ginny, upon her suggestion WE (baby and I) had had a talk, and agreed that baby could do whatever it wanted but it had to be back in LOA when labour started). I asked baby to turn and baby was very compliant. Back to LOA, I tried to doze between contractions. By 0500 the contractions were coming every 5 mins and lasting about a minute, and I found counting through them v helpful. The most uncomfortable thing so far was still the itching/burning of the stretched skin on my tummy. At 0600, I went to the toilet (for the nth time) and had another show. This time it was dark red, mucousy and with no sign of fresh bleeding – good. Since I had avoided all ultrasounds we didn’t know the exact position of the placenta, so this show was a good sign that it was not previa. At this time, I did a poo, at which point the contractions died down and not much happened for most of the day.
Come morning school run time, David and I talked over how to get him home and the kids out of school quickly if required. Typically, people’s concern at this point is where to put the kids for the birth. We had the opposite challenge of how to ensure they were at home for the birth. We had decided to have a family birth, and everyone had a job to do.
Liam wanted to be the first to touch the baby. David would receive Sian. Kira’s job was to announce the sex. In preparation, we had watched a few birth videos, done a birth rehearsal and everyone knew their roles. The kids understood how much blood would come (and what was considered abnormal), that Mummy would make noises, that it might be fast or take ages etc. Kira had even drawn a picture of the rehearsal at school – it was the most gorgeous thing.
David took the kids to school, putting on my favourite CD (the Chamber version of the Goldberg Variations – also my CD of choice for when I laboured with Kira) before leaving. I was full of energy, so did the nesting thing, clearing up the house. Hardly any contractions to speak of, so maybe we would make it to December after all, which I had started to doubt at 0500 this morning.
1500 – Toni dropped Liam and Kira home from school, we had apples, porridge and did homework and music practice. The contractions were starting to get a little stronger but still ignorable and 10 mins (?) apart.
Active Labour and Birth
1700 – David comes home from work. Kira and I are at the piano singing our favourite Christmas carols. For a while more, I practice the accompaniments I always play for my Mum (arriving in 4 days) to sing to, at which point my body decides that labour can start now that David has returned.
1720 – After updating David re the status of the kids and dinner (we need stuff from the shops), contractions get stronger.
1730 – Contractions now requiring my attention and focus, I go to the bathroom with Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. Contractions still 10 mins (?) apart.
1745 – David takes Liam to karate (then to get petrol, shopping and dinner). Kira is on the computer.
1800 – I decide that sitting on the toilet reading Harry is no longer working for me. I get out my yoga mat and turn up the heater in the bedroom.
1810 – Check my email, write a message to Rina in Singapore “Am in labour now. Talk about forgetting what it’s like and going through it again. groan. need distraction. David and Liam at karate. love amy”.
1815 – Get the birth ball into the bedroom from Liam’s room. Ring David saying “I might be pushing but I am not entirely sure”. He says he will come home straight away (too bad for shopping and dinner).
1820 – Ring Gentofte hospital, saying that things have started but no need for a midwife to come out to the house yet (implying I’m still at 3-4cm rather than the 6-7-8 cm I feel like I am at. I am trying to sound very casual with the nurse through a contraction, laughing as she jokes about not leaving the next telephone call too late. Thankfully, the midwife on the phone doesn’t seem to pick up I am further along than I am saying. David arrives home while I am still on the phone, and starts getting things out from the birth drawer. David also takes a photo. This turns out to be the one and only photo taken until after the baby is born. I remember also giving big cheesy grins around this stage with Kira.
1830 – We trundle out to the study to find Clare’s number from the computer (the joys of having the entire school’s contact details at my fingertips from doing the directory and moderating the parent chat group
to ask if she can please drop Liam home from Karate. We order pizzas and fiskefillet for dinner. Go back into the bedroom, and take up position – knees on the yoga mat, leaning onto the birth ball. Kira decides to start watching Harry Potter on the TV (we were all in a Harry Potter phase).
Ask for the big cushions and a pillow to raise the level of the birth ball a little. Put on the hypnobirthing CD (thank goodness we had sorted out the MP4 player that morning) which immediately relaxes me. Trying to go back to basics and relax (not stimulating the neocortex, etc) while at the same time very aware regarding getting things in order (asking for the heat pack for the perineum, towels, mirror, etc ). David puts the waterproof sheet on the bed, sets out the stuff from the birth drawer. Contractions are now coming around 5 mins (?) apart.
1910 – Starting to feel really pushy, I alternate between asking David where Liam is and if he can see anything (such as a head emerging. David later said he thought we still had hours to go).
1920 – Liam arrives home from Karate, David runs to the door and grabs him (thanking Clare hurriedly). Liam comes into the bedroom and immediately becomes immersed in the whole scene, so much so that he starts echoing the sounds I am making. (Afterward Liam said I sounded like a Mummy during labour. ‘But I am a Mummy. Oh, you mean an Egyptian Mummy’). As calmly as I can, I say “Liam, please don’t make those noises, Mummy needs peace”. I ask for the perineum pack (specifying for it to be inside the little purple towel) and can hear David behind me trying to activate the heat – we have an expensive brand one which won’t snap on, so I suggest to David to try the cheap secondary one which fortunately works immediately.
1930 – Doorbell rings again – pizza delivery. David tells Liam where the wallet is so he can pay. Liam and Kira decide pizza in front of Harry Potter is more interesting. Looking back now, I think I went through transition for a couple of contractions, because it was SUCH a relief when the head finally moved down, which was in itself the most amazing sensation – feeling everything move out of the way for the baby.
Upon the head moving down, David calls the kids into the bedroom “It’s happening”. They run in to see the head emerge. Liam freaks out a bit and decides he no longer wants to touch the crowning head. “I don’t want to touch it”.
Me: “OK”.
Liam: “I don’t want to touch”.
“It’s OK”
“I don’t want to touch” (thinking I’m telling him it’s ok to touch).
“It’s OK Liam, you don’t have to touch it!” (said as calmly as I can considering it is through a contraction).
Without any pushing on my part, the head is born up to the eyebrows. I think to myself: “hmm, I guess this is the ring of fire everyone talks about that I never really felt with the other two. And I guess this is as stretched as it gets so I can either pant and wait for my body to do it or I could push a little… well, I guess I should let my body and the baby do their thing since I haven’t really done anything consciously myself so far.”
And I have a whole minute to think all this as the head just hangs there. It also means that Liam has time to un-freak and be the first to touch the baby as he had wished. There is also plenty of time for Kira to say repeatedly “I really think it’s going to be a boy”. For a moment it feels like someone is pushing the head back up, which they assure me they aren’t.
1940 – I feel the next contraction coming and give David a warning “Get ready, here it comes“. The whole body slides out easily.
1941 – Sian born into David’s waiting hands. Kira says in the clearest voice “It’s a GIRL” at which point I completely snap out of any labour-induced haze and respond with “You’re kidding?!” My inglorious first words to greet our new baby.
All the water also comes out in a huge gush once the head is clear. Liam and Kira later told me that the water was everywhere, including coming out of Sian’s ears and nose. I turn around and sit leaning against the ball, we place Sian on my thigh, cover her and then I hold her in my arms. We’re all just sitting there taking in the moment and watching her, when I remember we need to take photos.
1951 – The placenta is born (David catches it in a large bowl, it looks fine), accompanied this time by a huge gush of blood. David grabs more towels and throws them down. This is possibly the only negative about a home birth – the mess. Although for us it was all onto the yoga mat, a few blues and the wood floor which was easily cleaned.
2000 – We decide we probably shouldn’t put it off any longer and get around to calling the midwives to come to the house.
2010 – Sian decides to latch on, good motion.
2100 – The midwife and student midwife arrive “well, this is an easy job for us, ha ha” (imagine the Danish accent) and check everything – placenta (whole, quite big), perineum (fine), uterus (good, shrinking fast), and baby (fine). The first weighing gives us 4.9 kg – we all look at each other thinking that’s a little too big, so David grabs a tin from the kitchen to calibrate the scales with. The second weighing is a more realistic 3.7 kg, which was what both the midwives, and David and I had estimated. Length 51 cm. (Liam and Kira had both been a similar 3.6+ kg and 52 cm, this is the size I grow my babies). I have a quick shower and then we all settle down for the night. David and I discover the kids have eaten most of the pizza and all of the chips.
Wrap up
For Liam and Kira, I think the pivotal moment was when the head emerged and then just hung there. I guess that was the first they saw of the baby, and the moment when it became real for them, not just something moving or having a heart beat. Afterward, I asked them to draw a picture of the birth to help them process what they had experienced, and they each drew the head halfway out.
For both Kira and Sian – my active births – my favoured position for labouring and birthing was kneeling up, leaning slightly onto something solid, both in terms of comfort and ease of birthing. In both cases I came through with an intact perineum, no need for stitches. In fact, both labours and births were easy in terms of their speed, intensity and hence very little to recover from afterwards. If anything, Sian’s birth was more intense than Kira’s because it was faster (Kira’s was about 4.5 hours, Sian’s was 2.5 hours). With Kira’s I went much more deeply into ‘labourland’ as I had a doula to lean on, whereas this time I was kept in the present, as I was required to be there for the house, the kids, and the whole DIY thing.
We had wanted to try a Lotus birth but in the end we gave up, it was just too much of a hassle! The placenta was huge and sitting in a bowl full of blood – yes we could have drained it off, washed, dried, salted and wrapped it, but the other problem was the cord – it was cold and clammy and kept sticking to whatever it touched (yes we could have wrapped that too). In the end, we asked the midwives to cut it just before they left, so the placenta was left attached to Sian for about 2 hours after the birth. As opposed to several days as we had first intended 8-).
As with Kira, we started EC (Elimination Communication, AKA Natural Infant Hygeine, Infant Assisted Toilet Training) with Sian from the very start. It’s just great not having to deal with pooey nappies, particularly the meconium ones. While it is somewhat more tricky to EC a baby in the dark grey Danish winter as opposed to tropical Singapore, it is so very worth it. And as I was telling a friend, I cannot not EC, after EC’g one child, I can’t just sit back and ignore any signals or timing that I see and not take baby to the potty.
Interestingly, choosing to birth the baby at home raised a few eyebrows, even amongst the Danes, for whom homebirth is a feasible option. Quite a few people assumed we were talking about Singapore or Australia when we said we were having the baby at ‘home’ as opposed to ‘having the baby in the house rather than the hospital’. It was a very easy decision to make, for someone like me, with a low risk pregnancy, a home birth is easier, more pleasant, less risky, etc but the bottom line is that it is safer for the baby and mother. The bonuses were that we wanted it to be a family event, we thought it would be good for all three children both in terms of bonding, and good for them to see a natural birth. I remember Liam at 3 years old copying me giving birth classes, sitting there with a doll and demonstrating “the baby comes this way, then the head turns, one shoulder is born followed by the other”. And a few months ago I had mentioned to Kira that Mummy might make a certain amount of noise, and she had replied “that’s because it’s hard work”. I would have loved Ginny, my good friend and partner of Four Trimesters, being there but in the end she couldn’t make it to Denmark. The more difficult decision was how ‘unassisted’ we were going to go with this birth. I had complete confidence in David catching the baby, and in my own body to birth this baby. We had the midwife on-call and ready, I knew the various things to watch for and I was registered with the hospital which was 10 minutes away if required. By not exposing ourselves immediately to any strangers, it was healthier for the baby.
In the end we kept it flexible and ended up with our ideal situation – the most perfect birth for all of us.
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